Failure is not an option. Certainly a principle to embrace when striving toward a goal. But, after the strife, what if failure is the result? When facing the reality of changes that have occurred in life, when you feel shattered and disconsolate, it is important to step back and assess. After my divorce, all my household possessions went into storage. Some people would have made a clean break and abandoned all that came before, but I’ve always been a fixer. When something precious falls off a shelf – CRASH, I don’t just sweep the remnants into the trash, but rather I assess the debris and determine if there is a potential for repair. In repairing something precious, it becomes more valuable to me due to the investment of time, energy, and skill needed for its restoration.
Many things that came out of storage were not as they were when they went in. Such is the nature of moving. But I have come to recognize that not everything can be fixed and, if fixable, not everything is needed any longer. Many of those things no longer needed have been discarded – regardless of their condition. Similarly, some things are needed that did not survive the move and were not fixable. These things, too, have been discarded.
I have come to a similar realization in my emotional life as well. When I left my career, it was not because I was ready to move on, but rather because I no longer had the emotional support to endure. In fact, with the death of my mom, the decertification of a labor organization of which I was president, and the filing for divorce coming in rapid succession; I found that I no longer could perform my job to the standard which I had set for myself.
What was lost? With the death of my mom, I also lost a relationship with my sister – CRASH! Throughout my life my sister had been a confidante and an advisor. She is remarkably talented and gifted in ways that I did not fully appreciate, except in her absence.
Then the decertification of my labor organization, CRASH! I was left to question a series of decisions and actions that perhaps left it vulnerable. Even in self-questioning, I became suspicious of the motives of those who remained.
With the divorce, CRASH! I lost the person who had run my life, raised our children, and tempered me in a way that smoothed off my rough edges and connected me with others.
With retirement, CRASH! I lost the connection to friends and associates that had leant structure to my life.
As I continue to sift through the debris, I surprisingly have found the unexpected. Not broken pieces of disconnected relationships, but rather shattered pieces of myself. In such a situation, you can pursue one of two courses of action. You can look for someone to blame, or you can set about repair. I took the first option, but in looking for who was to blame I found the guilty party amongst the shards. That mask having been pulled off, I realized that I couldn’t rebuild the person in the ruins, nor did I want to. Gratefully, God wanted to. He reminded me that His strength is made perfect in weakness, and my brokenness afforded an excellent opportunity for His strength to be made manifest.
When my ex-wife left, she gave me a book on surviving shipwrecks. I dismissed it at the time as akin to giving someone clinging to the floating wreckage of a sunken ship a DIY book on how to build your own raft. In hindsight, I recognize it was more akin to throwing a drowning man a life preserver.
God has been a life preserver for me. Not a flesh restorer, but a life preserver. An eternal life preserver. Even as He has been this, I know He is faithful to restore the precious things lost. A new act in life’s play with a more seasoned cast of characters and a role that He has been preparing me to play.
In a dry and thirsty land 