Sorry I Haven’t Written…

Prayer has always been a challenge for me. I have never been a particularly social person, and even in terms of personal relationships I often fail to maintain my side of the social construct. I am too comfortable with silence and too easy in my own company. So, though I have a relationship with Jesus, I often do not sustain it with extemporaneous communication. Part of the problem lies with the feeling that when I talk to Him it should be in a formal setting with defined parameters.  It has occurred to me, though, that I am much better at writing than I am at small talk – not that talk with God is in any way small. Also, like many people, when I pray I start with an opening “Dear God” and conclude with “Amen”.  This works, but I don’t typically organize my thoughts in advance. I believe prayers should be spontaneous, but spontaneity has never been my strength. So, I start with “Dear God”, throw in everything and the kitchen sink in a disorganized jumble, and conclude with an “in Jesus’ name, amen”. Because I haven’t prepared, I frequently recall topics I wished to bring to Him in prayer after I had already concluded my prayer. In considering this conundrum, I remembered that years ago when I planned for dates with who would become my future wife, how desperately I strove for  for spontaneity. Since spontaneity didn’t come naturally to me, I would rehearse a week or day ahead how our dates would proceed, so that on the day I knew what I would do, where I would park, what I would say so that it seemed spontaneous. Although it was rehearsed, spontaneity would have been far worse. Similarly, on those occasions when I would write her a letter, I would go through several drafts. This had the advantage of producing a more polished finished project, but it also left me with a record of what I had said. Perhaps this was a factor of living on the spectrum, but it worked for me and helped me, if not to overcome, at least to conceal my weaknesses. In this recollection, I am reminded of the Apostle Paul noting that God’s strength is made perfect in weakness.₁

RecalIing this, I realized that the weakness I sought to overcome should perhaps be recognized as a gift that could enhance my relationship with Jesus. The process I relied on before could be used to show Him the same attention and planning that my “spontaneous” prayers lacked.  So, dear God, sorry I haven’t written…

Dear God,

Thank You… for your love, for your faithfulness, for each breath You lend me, for the friends and family who contribute to my happiness and to my understanding, for my pastor, for the body of Christ that has welcomed me. Thank You… for the pain, for the challenges, for my stumbles, for the sadness, for the joy. From Your word, I am convinced that we are near the end of the age, but even if I am mistaken, I am aware that I am near the end of my age. Even so, Your enduring grace has sustained me and made me more whole, more complete, than I could have ever achieved by my own efforts. That realization compels me to pray that You might do the same work in the lives of my family. In my youth, my arrogance and pride led me away from Your path, yet You sought me and guided me back. Lord please smile on my son and daughters and grant them the same kind guidance which You have shown to me. Open their eyes that they might see You and follow You. I pray, too for my friends and those special to me. In this public place I will not name them, but I trust You to know my heart. Although some may have hurt me, they are all precious to me. Continually create within me a new and clean heart that allows me to love them as You do, to see them as You do, and to witness to them as Your Holy Spirit would direct. I am too often empty and spent, but You continue to fill me again and again. Thank you. Although I long for the day I will see You, I am grateful for the strength You lend me and the faithful manner in which you continue to shape me. Keep working on me Lord, even as You reveal Your power and glory in the simplicity of my life. I love you Lord, and it’s in Jesus name that I pray, Amen.

₁ 2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.